Letter from lyfluvr

Dear Editor,

I haven't written to you in a while. I've been so busy with school. Let's recap, shall we?

Well, I am now a Senior, and it feels GREAT! Being President of Student Council is also fantastic. I like being a leader. It's always been something I've tried to do. It's not because of any of the perks I may get. It's more because I feel good when I help out. I'm trying to help students have an amazing school year. So far, I've been told I'm doing a good job. May I point out that I am not the only President. My Co-President, Javon, is my other half. We have gotten to be best friends since June. We used to talk a little, but we've gotten so much closer. I love her.

Anyway, what else is new?

I am still involved with theater. Oh! Brother Michael came back to direct at De La Salle! That's exciting news. He's the guy that founded La Troupe De La Salle. His first production is Our Town by Thorton Wilder in which I play Mr. Webb. I think the character fits me well and I think Br. Michael is an amazing director. I'm also doing Into the Woods at McGehee in which I play Cinderella's Prince. That's a lot of fun. It's my first big role in a musical, and I'm quite enjoying myself.

The whole "College" thing is a killer. I love high school, but I can't wait for college. But I don't know where I want to go yet! UGH. I have like 8 places in mind, but it really depends on where I can get the bigger scholarship. Wherever I go, I know that I want to get a degree in Secondary Education. That way, I can come back to De La Salle to teach. I can't wait for that!

Whenever something happens, I'll let you know, okay? Thanks for listening, Editor. You're great!

Signed,

lyfluvr

Wahmp.

Wow. A good bit has happened since I last updated. Let's start with work.

So I started work June 1st. I got hired at Bellemont Apartment Homes in Kenner working maintenance. Could you really see me working maintenance? Didn't think so. I'm more of a counter-top worker. Take that in whatever way you see fit. Well, anyway, my hours were 8:30 - 5:30, 5 days a week. That's worse than mother fucking school. After a week of doing that, and then going to rehearsal, I quit. I couldn't take it. Ugh. Overload.

So my birthday was on June 5th. I finally turned 17. Jeesh, I'm young. Anyway, one of my best friends and I got into an argument the day before we left for the beach house. Well, he ended up not coming up at all. So it was me, Lance, Jesse, Marissa, and Kelly in the car going to Waveland! So we got up there, settled in, chilled for a while. And then it was time for seafood! We ate crabs and crawfish galore! (I like how my computer says that crawfish is spelled wrong. It must be made in the north. They don't know what crawfish is). Anyway, while we were eating, my aunt comes in. And right behind her, BAM! Bryce, Hannah, and Dani. I was like WHAT THE FUCK. Apparently they were in Biloxi and came to see me. P.S. This was Bryce's birthday as well. Jesse apparently gave them directions on how to get there while we were driving and he was right fucking next to me. Damn. So we all went on the beach and chilled while having a drink. Then the mosquitoes were bad, so we went inside. Then we busted out with Spoons, UNO, and Taboo. Hannah won like every game of Spoons. Turns out she was playing it wrong. LOL! Taboo brought on some of the greatest quotes ever! Oh lord. Anyway, to sum up that night, it was really fun. I'm glad they came to see us. They eventually left and everyone went to sleep.

The next day was extremely interesting. Lance, Marissa, Kelly and I went to the beach. They discovered what mushyland was. And they hated it! So we went to get snowballs later and looked around the wasteland a bit. We decided on renting movies to watch that night, so we needed to find a rental place, right? Well Kelly whips out her iPhone and searches for some. Four results come up. Perfect. So we go looking for them. None of them are actually there. Then we remembered, "Oh yeah. This city was completely washed away by Katrina." So it took us about 30 minutes to find a rental store that was like a block from where we were. We felt like idiots. That sums up the weekend pretty much.

So we got back on Sunday, and they went home. I pretty much went straight to sleep. The next day was my last day at work (I quit the day after). And little did I know it would be my last day at rehearsal as well. So, I hadn't been enjoying Abner very much, and I was really tired every day after work. So I'm sitting in a corner minding my own business. Apparently I was supposed to be singing, but the song was pretty much over, so I thought "what's the point?" Well, my choreographer took me outside and yelled at me about disrespect. I told her I was thinking of dropping out anyway, and she told me to just leave. So, I did. I cried the entire way home. At that point, I had no idea what I was doing with my life.

So now that that was over with, I had more time for Yearbook and Student Council. I was at school like every day of the week. We finished the yearbook though! It's exciting. And Student Council is so much fun! I'm president, so I'm pretty much running the show, which is awesome. I text my disciplinarian all the time. I feel powerful. haha!

So here's the worst part of summer thus far. I was riding around English Turn with my friends yesterday, and we wanted to check out some of the new construction. I mean, who doesn't want to look at cool houses, right? Anyway, we (we meaning I) went into this house that looked like it was under construction and about to be finished. I was just looking around. Very harmless. I walk back outside, and this guy is standing there with my keys in his hand. He tells me I'm going to have to wait until the police arrive. I'm like "what?" He said, "You were in my house. I can take your keys." So apparently I trespassed. They almost pressed charges and I almost went to jail. Yeah, stupid Chase. I felt like an idiot. So my dad grounded me for the weekend, which means I can't go see Li'l Abner to support my friends whom I left. I feel so terrible for that. And due to my being grounded, I am here writing this blog. Interesting, eh?

And that's exactly how it happened. (More or less)

I'm just being bitchy.

So, I've told myself not to say things that are on my mind because it would make me sound like a huge self-centered bitch. But I just want to type it out and just get it off my chest. I really don't care who reads this.

I don't know why, but I have no self-esteem or confidence. Like, I don't think I am good at anything. I always think I finally found my niche (theater) and then I see and hear myself on film, and I absolutely hate it. Why can't I just be good at something? I mean like REALLY good. I don't know anything that I thoroughly enjoy that I'm good at.

Also, I am not confident with the group of friends I have. I know my status and I know what people think of me. Or do I? Am I just paranoid? I don't know. It's always been like this. With every group of friends I've had. That's why I keep quiet when there's a larger group. Even when it's like just me and two others, I keep quiet. I know that I can be annoying and completely naive. I know that people think I'm the dirtiest whore who only wants to get some action and then just walk off. I'm afraid that people tell me to my face that they are my friends, but they really aren't. I know people talk behind my back. I wish they wouldn't, and just be straight forward with me. I know what people think of me. And it makes me so upset to know that people think so low of me. I have no will power. I do what I'm asked of. I hate it. I don't like letting people down. I don't know. Something is wrong with me. I look up to so many people, but none look up to me. I'm not a role model. I have nothing to be proud of. I've fucked up in life so much, that there is no way I can get myself a good reputation. It's seriously pathetic.

I've been so stressed lately. I have no idea why. You would think that coming out with a C in English, the class I thought I was going to fail, would take huge bricks off my shoulders, right? Well, wrong. I'm still absolutely miserable every day. What is missing? I don't understand. Maybe once Abner is over with, things will get better. But I said that about school, but that obviously didn't work. What am I going to do with myself?

And Oh, Jesus. It ticks me off so much that literally my entire group of friends is going to be involved with this huge thing and those who organized it didn't say a word of it to me. I know I'm not amazing, but I want to be a part of it at least. His head is too big for his own body anyway. I don't know what to think of him. I need to sit down and talk to him about everything very soon. Ugh, I'm about to explode.

If you are going to comment negatively on this blog about how I should stop "being emo" or whatever. I don't have time to deal with you, asshole.
But if you are going to say something positive, be sure you actually mean it. I'm sick of lies to make me feel better.

Best start to summer EVER!

So it's Sunday night, so I decided to blog about my amazingly blog worthy weekend.

So Friday, I left school and went to hang out with a friend, I really don't know how exciting that is, but oh well. Then I went to voice for the first time in like a year. I miss that man so much! The first 10 minutes we just goofed off. Then I sang a bit, and he asked if I was a high tenor. I was like "HELL NO!" More like a baritone? Thanks. But anyway. That was quite fun. Then rehearsal that night. Yeah, nothing special there. But when I got home, Ginger and Lexi wanted to watch a movie in the media room. So I'm like "yeah, I'll come watch." So they decided to watch Bolt. The first like 10 seconds of the movie are ADORABLE. Then I fell asleep. Didn't see like any of the movie. Fail.

Saturday. Ahh. First official day of summer for Mr. Dickey. I woke up at Like 1:15, got on facebook, and realized that Amelia's grad party started at 1:00. So I had to run and take a shower. I didn't get there until like 3:00. But she had crawfish, beer, and wine coolers. Oh. My. God. It was amazing. Later on, at like 5:30 we started to tye-dye shirts. Love it! Tye-dye is the new black. It's official. I left there at like 7:00 and went to my friend Tiffany's party. This was one for DeLaSalle people. It was pretty lame, actually. I don't understand why I even went. Anyway, I went home. And here's where the fun starts. My parents told me on Friday that they were going to Point Clear and leaving me at the house alone. Well, I start planning a party right then and there. So people came over Saturday night. I never expected that night to be such a success. It was amazing. Cointreau is the best shit ever. I have officially decreed that. So I met new people and got a lot closer with others. The night was incredible. I think the trademark of the night was the nude jacuzzi. How hott was that? Really? Downside to last night, I hit my head and I got me a big ole knot. It hurts. Whatevs. I wish I could recall half of the things that happened, but I almost can't. But he made an appearance. And I don't know what came over me, but I wanted to just cry in his arms. Most depressing moment of the night right there. Hated it. Now when I see him, I'm going to feel like a big ole dick.

So Ashley and I never really slept that night. I slept for like an hour, but whatev. I made eggs and toast for everyone at like 9:00. That's the best thing about staying at my house. I make breakfast for you the next morning. I'm such a saint... :) So people left, and I brought Alex home. Omigod. When I'm telling you that what I was wearing was hott shit. I ain't lying. I had on my tight ass jeans, tye-dye shirt, boots, my bright yellow bandanna wrapped around my head, and my sunglasses. I looked like a big ole gay. I think I typed the phrase "big ole" like 3 times so far. Oh well. Well I went to Walgreens and Target before heading home. Then I watched Legally Blonde: The Musical on YouTube. Because I have no life and I really wanted to. I almost cried towards the end! I'm such a tool. It was good though. I know that I'm in the right field. Whether I'm on stage or not. This is where I want to be.

So my summer has started in the most amazing way possible. How about yours? :)

Stress!!

I haven't updated in a while, so I thought I would today since I have some time on my hands. Not like anyone reads these damn things anyway. Whatever. lol.

So Abner has been a lot better. Im enjoying it a lot more now. I don't know what it was that was bringing me down. I think I was just stressed. I would think I have a right to be. Anyway, school is pretty much out, which makes me quite happy. But also very nervous. I'm at the risk of failing English. Which is sort of ironic considering it's an honors class and I'm in the National Honor Society. Man, I fucked that one up. Hopefully I'll be okay though and still have my summer to myself. Student Council results come out tomorrow! I am really nervous about that, too. I mean, half the guys that ran are just ridiculous. They wouldn't make good leaders at all. Only one of them I think would be a good President, besides me of course. :) And then there's Yearbook. I just started this class in January and didn't start actually working on the yearbook until like March. But I care about it and it's stressing me out. I'm coming back to school all next week to work on it, since that it is only week I don't have work. Hopefully all will be well. And hopefully, she will make me Editor-in-Chief next year. :)

I just want everything to be over with so I can relax and enjoy my summer. ::Sigh::

What the fuck?

So I've been stressed to the max lately. My grades are suffering big time. I have to bust my ass just to make sure I pass English. That has NEVER happened to me before. And my parents won't leave me the fuck alone about it. They're making me miss rehearsal so that I can pull my grade up in a week. Really, y'all? One week is hardly enough time to do anything. Plus, there's not much else I can do. So fuck off.

And then there's rehearsal itself. I don't know what it is about this show, but I'm not having as much fun at rehearsal as I usually do for most shows. I almost wanted to pull myself out of it, but I figured I would probably regret it later. It's just so weird. And some of my closest friends are starting to get on my last nerve. Ugh.

And I really like him. Why? I have no fucking clue. He's probably the last person I should get involved with right now, but I can't help it. He doesn't even like me back at all. He actually avoids talking to me. So why do I continue to have feelings for him? What the fuck goes on in my head? Anyone want to answer that? Didn't think so.

It's like I'm being sniped down.

I think God enjoys fucking everything up for me. I was so set for what I wanted and what I was going to do. Then AOL prom comes along and confuses the hell out of me. Then he puts this wacko dream in my head to fuck me up further. Like, really? I don't understand it. I'm done with that shit. Not going back, no sir. Maybe it has to do with me not taking my medicine for the past two nights. Yeah, I should probably fix that. Either way, in the course of two days, I've gone from extremely happy and knowing what I want to depressed as shit and not having a clue. I'm a fucking mess. I just need to give it all up for good. ESPECIALLY until I go to the doctor. Get that shit done quick.

Whatever, bye.

Fame!

Fame. How I will miss thee. I cried like a baby when it all ended. I never cry that early. Jeez. I'm so glad that I got into this. I'm glad I made friends with the person that convinced me to audition for my first show. This past year has been amazing. I've met so many people and I've loved every minute of it. I don't know where I would be if I had not met Lance. Thanks.

But I do have issues :(. I like her a lot. I mean, I genuinely like her. I know she's young, but I can't just stop liking her because her sister wants me to. I don't know. I'm torn.

WTF people?

Okay. So apparently it isn't possible for me to legit care for someone. Apparently I'm just a big fucking slut and that's how i will stay forever. I don't understand how people who don't even know me that well can apparently tell my entire track record without a primary resource. I lost complete respect for two people last night. One of which I didn't really care for in the first place. But seriously. I am NOT that big of a slut. Yes, I've had my bit of fun. But I mean, I care for her. I want to be with her. I don't want to take advantage of her and do things with her. No. I just want to be with her. Is that so hard to comprehend? Whatever. Fuck them.

Really?

Okay so I had been planning a beach party weekend for months now. I finally set a date about a week ago. Two days ago, I put up an event on facebook. The next day, I get a message informing me that apparently some of my friends were going to throw their joint party on that friday. That cuts into my weekend hugely. And their shin-dig is so much closer to home for everyone. So it's practically pointless now. And of course they approach the situation terribly telling people to just go to their party. When we could have easily worked something out if we just calmly talked about it. But I guess I don't know anything. Whatever. I really dont give a fuck.

School,her,him

Y'all I'm so tired of high school. I'm done all of my credits except for 2. I can go somewhere next semester and get them done to start college in the 2nd semester. But I don't know if I really want to. I mean there are pro's and con's to staying at De La Salle. But I'm so sick of being treated like such a kid. My parent's don't know how to leave me the hell alone. I'm thinking that once I'm in college they will lay off a little. I hate high school. I want to get the hell out and be on my own.

On the flip side, I talked to her tonight. My insides almost exploded. I thought I was done with this. It's a fucking waste of my time. The heart does things that the mind cannot comprehend. But why? If I may be lame for two seconds... "Why, God? Why?". Okay. Two seconds over. But really, this is stupid. Maybe it's just my medicine playing tricks on me. Ugh.

Also, I'm sick of people caring so much about what I do. Let me live my damn life. Do I make mistakes? HELL YES. But don't talk shit. Ask me if I did something, I will tell you the truth. But don't make a huge deal out of it. That's stupid. I'm human. I make mistakes. The bigger, the better. But please just shut up and get over it. Kthnx.

Motherrrrrr

So I decided to talk to my mom seriously about things. She apparently thought I was gay and she burst into tears to me. I felt kind of bad. Oh well. But I tried telling her that I run my life and I'm going to do what I want and there wasn't much she could do about it. But she was like blahblahblah I'm your mother/you're only 16. Fuckkk. I want my own place and my own life. Is that too much to ask? I can get a job and support myself, damnit. Whatever. I'm ready to get done high school.