I'm just being bitchy.

So, I've told myself not to say things that are on my mind because it would make me sound like a huge self-centered bitch. But I just want to type it out and just get it off my chest. I really don't care who reads this.

I don't know why, but I have no self-esteem or confidence. Like, I don't think I am good at anything. I always think I finally found my niche (theater) and then I see and hear myself on film, and I absolutely hate it. Why can't I just be good at something? I mean like REALLY good. I don't know anything that I thoroughly enjoy that I'm good at.

Also, I am not confident with the group of friends I have. I know my status and I know what people think of me. Or do I? Am I just paranoid? I don't know. It's always been like this. With every group of friends I've had. That's why I keep quiet when there's a larger group. Even when it's like just me and two others, I keep quiet. I know that I can be annoying and completely naive. I know that people think I'm the dirtiest whore who only wants to get some action and then just walk off. I'm afraid that people tell me to my face that they are my friends, but they really aren't. I know people talk behind my back. I wish they wouldn't, and just be straight forward with me. I know what people think of me. And it makes me so upset to know that people think so low of me. I have no will power. I do what I'm asked of. I hate it. I don't like letting people down. I don't know. Something is wrong with me. I look up to so many people, but none look up to me. I'm not a role model. I have nothing to be proud of. I've fucked up in life so much, that there is no way I can get myself a good reputation. It's seriously pathetic.

I've been so stressed lately. I have no idea why. You would think that coming out with a C in English, the class I thought I was going to fail, would take huge bricks off my shoulders, right? Well, wrong. I'm still absolutely miserable every day. What is missing? I don't understand. Maybe once Abner is over with, things will get better. But I said that about school, but that obviously didn't work. What am I going to do with myself?

And Oh, Jesus. It ticks me off so much that literally my entire group of friends is going to be involved with this huge thing and those who organized it didn't say a word of it to me. I know I'm not amazing, but I want to be a part of it at least. His head is too big for his own body anyway. I don't know what to think of him. I need to sit down and talk to him about everything very soon. Ugh, I'm about to explode.

If you are going to comment negatively on this blog about how I should stop "being emo" or whatever. I don't have time to deal with you, asshole.
But if you are going to say something positive, be sure you actually mean it. I'm sick of lies to make me feel better.

Best start to summer EVER!

So it's Sunday night, so I decided to blog about my amazingly blog worthy weekend.

So Friday, I left school and went to hang out with a friend, I really don't know how exciting that is, but oh well. Then I went to voice for the first time in like a year. I miss that man so much! The first 10 minutes we just goofed off. Then I sang a bit, and he asked if I was a high tenor. I was like "HELL NO!" More like a baritone? Thanks. But anyway. That was quite fun. Then rehearsal that night. Yeah, nothing special there. But when I got home, Ginger and Lexi wanted to watch a movie in the media room. So I'm like "yeah, I'll come watch." So they decided to watch Bolt. The first like 10 seconds of the movie are ADORABLE. Then I fell asleep. Didn't see like any of the movie. Fail.

Saturday. Ahh. First official day of summer for Mr. Dickey. I woke up at Like 1:15, got on facebook, and realized that Amelia's grad party started at 1:00. So I had to run and take a shower. I didn't get there until like 3:00. But she had crawfish, beer, and wine coolers. Oh. My. God. It was amazing. Later on, at like 5:30 we started to tye-dye shirts. Love it! Tye-dye is the new black. It's official. I left there at like 7:00 and went to my friend Tiffany's party. This was one for DeLaSalle people. It was pretty lame, actually. I don't understand why I even went. Anyway, I went home. And here's where the fun starts. My parents told me on Friday that they were going to Point Clear and leaving me at the house alone. Well, I start planning a party right then and there. So people came over Saturday night. I never expected that night to be such a success. It was amazing. Cointreau is the best shit ever. I have officially decreed that. So I met new people and got a lot closer with others. The night was incredible. I think the trademark of the night was the nude jacuzzi. How hott was that? Really? Downside to last night, I hit my head and I got me a big ole knot. It hurts. Whatevs. I wish I could recall half of the things that happened, but I almost can't. But he made an appearance. And I don't know what came over me, but I wanted to just cry in his arms. Most depressing moment of the night right there. Hated it. Now when I see him, I'm going to feel like a big ole dick.

So Ashley and I never really slept that night. I slept for like an hour, but whatev. I made eggs and toast for everyone at like 9:00. That's the best thing about staying at my house. I make breakfast for you the next morning. I'm such a saint... :) So people left, and I brought Alex home. Omigod. When I'm telling you that what I was wearing was hott shit. I ain't lying. I had on my tight ass jeans, tye-dye shirt, boots, my bright yellow bandanna wrapped around my head, and my sunglasses. I looked like a big ole gay. I think I typed the phrase "big ole" like 3 times so far. Oh well. Well I went to Walgreens and Target before heading home. Then I watched Legally Blonde: The Musical on YouTube. Because I have no life and I really wanted to. I almost cried towards the end! I'm such a tool. It was good though. I know that I'm in the right field. Whether I'm on stage or not. This is where I want to be.

So my summer has started in the most amazing way possible. How about yours? :)

Stress!!

I haven't updated in a while, so I thought I would today since I have some time on my hands. Not like anyone reads these damn things anyway. Whatever. lol.

So Abner has been a lot better. Im enjoying it a lot more now. I don't know what it was that was bringing me down. I think I was just stressed. I would think I have a right to be. Anyway, school is pretty much out, which makes me quite happy. But also very nervous. I'm at the risk of failing English. Which is sort of ironic considering it's an honors class and I'm in the National Honor Society. Man, I fucked that one up. Hopefully I'll be okay though and still have my summer to myself. Student Council results come out tomorrow! I am really nervous about that, too. I mean, half the guys that ran are just ridiculous. They wouldn't make good leaders at all. Only one of them I think would be a good President, besides me of course. :) And then there's Yearbook. I just started this class in January and didn't start actually working on the yearbook until like March. But I care about it and it's stressing me out. I'm coming back to school all next week to work on it, since that it is only week I don't have work. Hopefully all will be well. And hopefully, she will make me Editor-in-Chief next year. :)

I just want everything to be over with so I can relax and enjoy my summer. ::Sigh::

What the fuck?

So I've been stressed to the max lately. My grades are suffering big time. I have to bust my ass just to make sure I pass English. That has NEVER happened to me before. And my parents won't leave me the fuck alone about it. They're making me miss rehearsal so that I can pull my grade up in a week. Really, y'all? One week is hardly enough time to do anything. Plus, there's not much else I can do. So fuck off.

And then there's rehearsal itself. I don't know what it is about this show, but I'm not having as much fun at rehearsal as I usually do for most shows. I almost wanted to pull myself out of it, but I figured I would probably regret it later. It's just so weird. And some of my closest friends are starting to get on my last nerve. Ugh.

And I really like him. Why? I have no fucking clue. He's probably the last person I should get involved with right now, but I can't help it. He doesn't even like me back at all. He actually avoids talking to me. So why do I continue to have feelings for him? What the fuck goes on in my head? Anyone want to answer that? Didn't think so.

It's like I'm being sniped down.

I think God enjoys fucking everything up for me. I was so set for what I wanted and what I was going to do. Then AOL prom comes along and confuses the hell out of me. Then he puts this wacko dream in my head to fuck me up further. Like, really? I don't understand it. I'm done with that shit. Not going back, no sir. Maybe it has to do with me not taking my medicine for the past two nights. Yeah, I should probably fix that. Either way, in the course of two days, I've gone from extremely happy and knowing what I want to depressed as shit and not having a clue. I'm a fucking mess. I just need to give it all up for good. ESPECIALLY until I go to the doctor. Get that shit done quick.

Whatever, bye.