I'm just being bitchy.

So, I've told myself not to say things that are on my mind because it would make me sound like a huge self-centered bitch. But I just want to type it out and just get it off my chest. I really don't care who reads this.

I don't know why, but I have no self-esteem or confidence. Like, I don't think I am good at anything. I always think I finally found my niche (theater) and then I see and hear myself on film, and I absolutely hate it. Why can't I just be good at something? I mean like REALLY good. I don't know anything that I thoroughly enjoy that I'm good at.

Also, I am not confident with the group of friends I have. I know my status and I know what people think of me. Or do I? Am I just paranoid? I don't know. It's always been like this. With every group of friends I've had. That's why I keep quiet when there's a larger group. Even when it's like just me and two others, I keep quiet. I know that I can be annoying and completely naive. I know that people think I'm the dirtiest whore who only wants to get some action and then just walk off. I'm afraid that people tell me to my face that they are my friends, but they really aren't. I know people talk behind my back. I wish they wouldn't, and just be straight forward with me. I know what people think of me. And it makes me so upset to know that people think so low of me. I have no will power. I do what I'm asked of. I hate it. I don't like letting people down. I don't know. Something is wrong with me. I look up to so many people, but none look up to me. I'm not a role model. I have nothing to be proud of. I've fucked up in life so much, that there is no way I can get myself a good reputation. It's seriously pathetic.

I've been so stressed lately. I have no idea why. You would think that coming out with a C in English, the class I thought I was going to fail, would take huge bricks off my shoulders, right? Well, wrong. I'm still absolutely miserable every day. What is missing? I don't understand. Maybe once Abner is over with, things will get better. But I said that about school, but that obviously didn't work. What am I going to do with myself?

And Oh, Jesus. It ticks me off so much that literally my entire group of friends is going to be involved with this huge thing and those who organized it didn't say a word of it to me. I know I'm not amazing, but I want to be a part of it at least. His head is too big for his own body anyway. I don't know what to think of him. I need to sit down and talk to him about everything very soon. Ugh, I'm about to explode.

If you are going to comment negatively on this blog about how I should stop "being emo" or whatever. I don't have time to deal with you, asshole.
But if you are going to say something positive, be sure you actually mean it. I'm sick of lies to make me feel better.